All day as Dustin sits behind a desk staring at a computer screen, the only thought on his mind is Holden and the willpower needed to stop him from walking out the door of his office and in the door to his home. All day I text pictures showing him what we're doing and all the cute little things taht Holden is doing, letting him get a glimpse into our day-to-day activities each photo illustrating the stark contrast between our day and his. He misses Holden so much when he's away and although I know that the photos help him get through his day, sometimes I wonder...does it make his longing worse?
Each evening as the sun begins to set, Dustin battles stop and go traffic for an hour, his vision blurring with brake lights as he races to make it home before bedtime. Most nights Dustin walks in the door just in time to give Holden a hug and snuggle before the little man closes his eyes for the night. On the nights that Dustin doesn't make it in time, he enters the dark room defeated, leaning over to kiss the forehead of his sleeping son who he yearns to be with all day long. When Dustin can leave work a little early, Holden is ecstatic. I sit happily on the sidelines watching the two of them together like two little boys, Dustin playing peek-a-boo and popping up from every corner of the room, Holden giggling and squealing in delight, both of them in pure bliss. But even the days that Dustin is able to leave a little early, the most time he gets with Holden is 30 minutes. just 30 minutes.
Sometimes I wonder if Dustin is getting cheated out of the whole situation, out of being a parent. I know that someone has to work and we are lucky that at least one of us is able to stay at home with Holden (because a lot of people do not have that option), but what if I want something different for my family. What if I want to do something that enables both of us to stay at home, a job that enables us to have a flexible schedule so that Holden grows up with both parents, each of us not missing a beat of his life, not missing all of his firsts, sharing each moment together. I love every second that I spend with Holden, but I also want to share these moments with Dustin who can relate and relish in the little things with me. Holden is such a different boy when the three of us are all together, happier and more content. We all are.