i have always wanted to be barefoot and pregnant. when i was younger i imagined the grown-up version of myself standing in the doorway of my home wearing a sheer white gown that fanned and fluttered over my billowing belly in the breeze as i stood barefoot looking out over pastures filled with grazing horses. (obviously i must have seen this in a movie because the detail in my mind of this event is impeccable).
when asked what do you want to be when you grow up? my response as a child alternated between an author and a mom. responding with "a mom" is cute for a kid to say, but once you pass the age of fifteen (or maybe sooner than that) you start getting the look no really, what do you want to do? so suddenly there was no more throwing out the "i want to be a mom" retort with reckless abandon and my response changed to a writer. then when i realized that i needed major connections to work at glamour or vogue (my idea of a writer back then) my response changed to i don't know and the question began to cause angst and dread about what would become of my future.
because deep down in my heart, in a place that i tucked away at when i started getting those skeptical looks and kept hidden from everyone around me, what i wanted to be most of all when i grew up was a mother. but why did i have to hide this away? why is there such a stigma around being a stay-at-home mom? why wasn't i "allowed" to choose a wife and stay-at-home mom as my answer to what i wanted to be when i grew up because motherhood (and fatherhood and parenthood) is in fact a full-time job.
my younger self was envious of women in the fifties that were expected to stay home. i was resentful that those women were banned from working and had to stay home with their children because i didn't have a desire to climb the corporate ladder. i was jealous that those women got to do what i wanted to do most of all without any questions asked. i am embarrassed to even say that i thought this because obviously i would not want to be told by anyone that i couldn't work if i wanted to or that i had to stay home and had no choice around it, but if the women's movement was all about a woman's right to choose what she wanted to do, why was my desired "profession" completely ousted.
i am grateful for the years that i worked in the corporate world for they have taught me invaluable life lessons and things about myself that i would not have been able to learn elsewhere, but i hated every single second of every job that i ever had. throughout my career, i always felt like something was lacking in my life and i continually strived to fill that void in my life: a new city, a new job, more money, a new house, etc. yet regardless of how many changes i made, nothing ever eliminated the notion that something was missing and i was left wanting, yearning, searching, and chasing. and then holden arrived. and he was all i ever wanted. out of that covert corner of my heart, intentions and desires that had been concealed and buried years earlier were suddenly unveiled and i remembered what i wanted most of all was to be a mother. as corny as it may sound, i finally feel fulfilled and although my new job is harder than any other job i've had, i love every single second of it.