at night, holden is still, still enough to be cuddled for hours without squirming out of my grasp, my wild man tamed by night's fall. i sneak into bed, curling my body around his as he rolls his body towards me and snuggles closer. i bring my legs up towards my chest, tucking him against me, my body enclosing around him completely and we morph into one, recreating those nine months that we spent together as one body and we stay that way throughout the night as if our bodies are bonded together by some invisible super glue. as we dream, i roll around throughout the bed and holden rolls with me, following me wherever i go, remaining attached to my side. he traces his fingers up and down my arms, memorizing me as this comforting motion lulls him to sleep. i kiss the top of his head, his puft of white blond hair tickling my noise and i breath in his sweet baby scent, an intoxicating sleeping potion that immediately slows my breath and puts me into a deep slumber. these quiet hours that we spend together is time that i will forever hold sacred in my heart.
yesterday, my pediatrician asked where holden was sleeping and wasn't very happy when i told him that he was still in bed with us. he pointed me to an ancient article (literally early 1990's) taped to the back of the exam room door. i asked if he knew about the benefits of cosleeping, but he rejected me before i could even start. we never anticipated that we would end up cosleeping, it's just something that happened, worked for our family, and enabled us to get the best sleep possible. before the little man arrived, we bought the first years close and secure sleeper instead of a bassinet, because it was cute, reasonably priced, and we thought it would work well in our california king-sized bed. when holden outgrew the sleeper, we removed it from our bed, but holden remained, sprawled out in between us as we talked in hushed whispers and marveled at all of his accomplishments for that day, still (to this day) reeling at the fact that this amazing little creature is ours. we have contemplated moving him into his crib, but we haven't been able to bring ourselves to do it. we would miss him too much.
maybe it's because i've always required the security blanket of company to sleep at night (growing up, my sister and i couldn't sleep without one another until high school and even then we would talk on the phone for hours, each in our own room, falling asleep to the others breathing through the phone), but i can't imagine a night without him burrowed into my side. of course there are nights that i wish i didn't wake to every fart, cry, and other random noises holden makes in his sleep, but what if i don't have this opportunity again? what if i don't get another chance to have a tiny body, an extension of myself, curled up against me for eight hours? i know that this time will pass too quickly and in the blink of an eye he will be in his own bed and i will be missing the nights we spent together...so why rush it?