Since I've been young, I've always been somewhat of an anxious person. I have always been obsessed with schedules, I like to make lists of everything I need to do, and I like to have everything planned out. Keeping everything in my life organized has always helped to keep my anxiety at bay. Sometimes, I will add things that I've already done throughout my day just so I can put it on my list and cross it off. Upon crossing things off of my schedules and my lists, a huge sense of accomplishment waves over me. Before the end of each day, I will spend time thinking through each hour of the impending day. The never ending cycle of scheduling, planning, and accomplishing these the scheduled and the planned is what makes my world go around.
As you other mommas know, this type of impeccable planning is nearly impossible with a baby. My schedule now revolves around Holden's schedule, things on my to do list dont get crossed off for several weeks, and if I do make plans it's inevitable that they will change. I've quickly realized that motherhood is all about prioritizing. This means the laundry will get done, but the clothes won't be put away (for a week or so sometimes), dinner will be made, but the kitchen will be a mess, Holden will be bathed and dressed, but I won't have time to do my hair and make-up. But surprisingly, I don't mind this nonscheduled, to-don't life.
Holden has brought a huge sense of calmness over me...something I have never known before. For the first time ever I am able to live in the moment and really enjoy the present instead of worrying about what the future holds. I am constantly aware of how fleeting this time with my baby boy is and I want to savor every single moment I have with him. At the end of this life, I won't look back and remember if the house was clean, if the laundry was folded and put away, or if my nails were always filed and painted, but I will remember the nights that I sat in the rocker with Holden in my arms, kissing his eyelids, and breathing in his scent.