iphone photos from our weekend in san diego

(i just realized the photos don't line up correctly and the perfectionist in me is dyyyyyying.  but it's midnight and exhaustion is winning at this moment. ugh.) 

i know i've been a little quiet the past two weeks, but we have had a lot on our plates, both good and bad.  i couldn't think, i couldn't write, i couldn't breath, i could barely keep up with life.

admist all of the excitement in planning and celebrating holden's birthday, there were a few things going on in the background.  i wasn't sure if i wanted to discuss them on here because i didn't want to taint the memory of holden's first birthday, i didn't want us or him to remember the fear and worry that clouded that day.  but i'm pretty sure dustin and i will never forget how scared we were and since everything turned out ok, i want holden to know how much his health and happiness means to us.

two weeks ago, holden began having an unusually high frequency of breath holding spells.  he has had a small handful since his birth and we were told not to worry about them as they are harmless and he will outgrow them in a year or two.  we have figured out how to handle them when they make an appearance and move on with our day.  then at the end of that high frequency week, after having five breath holding spells in a four day period, holden had a prolonged (8-minute) seizure following a particularly bad spell.  it was probably the longest 8 minutes of our entire lives.  thankfully, my mom, who is a pediatric nurse, was there with us and was able to explain what was happening and calm us down.  we spoke to him softly as it happened, willing him to come out of it, and videotaped the seizure so we would have something to show the doctors.  we spent the night in the ER and were sent home after speaking with a neurologist with instructions to make an appointment for an MRI and ECG as soon as possible.  despite the fact that all four doctors that saw holden that night believed the seizure to be a result of a severe breath holding spell, they said we needed these objective measures to know 100%.

we had to wait a week before the ECG and appointment with the neurologist.  holden's real birthday was in the middle of that torturefully long week, and i can barely remember anything from that entire time period except the fear and terror that i felt.  despite our best efforts to hide our true feelings and act as though all was normal, we had a hard time taking our hands off of holden and he could sense the uneasiness and acted accordingly, fussy, frustrated, and unhappy.  the minutes turned to hours which turned into days in what seemed like one big blur.  our minds clouded with apprehension and the heavy fog that filled our heads made it hard to complete day-to-day activities, the horrible image of holden's seizure replaying over and over in our mind's eye.  it was hard to understand how the world could continue spinning, how everyone could continue going on with their lives, when our world and our lives seemed to be at one big standstill just waiting to find out if our baby was ok.  i honestly didn't think i would be able to survive if anything was wrong with him and it's hard to shake that feeling.

we honestly didn't realize just how frightened we truly were until we met with the neurologist and found out that the test came back normal and that holden was 100% healthy.  as originally suspected, he suffers from severe breath holding spells.  hearing that diagnosis, i could finally breath again, the heavy weight of worry i had carried around all week suddenly lifted.  we have started giving him iron (which has been shown in studies to reduce the frequency of breath holding spells) and thus far, it seems to be working.  experiences like these help teach you what is truly important in life.

that terrifying week ended with holden's birthday party celebration (a celebration it was) and the following week we continued the festivities in san diego with dustin's brothers wedding and a joint birthday party for holden and his cousin benicio (who is six weeks older).  it felt good to be surrounded by friends and family after everything the three of us had been through.

i've been exhausted and busy, but i'm finally feeling caught up on life and am back in blogging action.