mama wore: C&C t-shirt dress, leopard blazer from marshalls, DKNY sandals

little man wore: h&m tank, mama-made shorts

we have a wedding in palm springs in october for a dear friend from college that i haven't seen in a while.  i've really been looking forward to whole event - watching my gorgeous friend get married, partying at the ace hotel, weekending in palm springs - and we were planning on bringing holden for a little family getaway.

last week the bride sent an email to all the mamas detailing the childcare situation at the wedding and my stomach dropped.  as a courtesy to all of the parents, the bride will be providing childcare for the entirety of the wedding starting a half hour before the ceremony and lasting as long as the parents need it.  she was employing a reputable babysitting company who would watch the children in a room nearby the wedding, complete with a kids appropriate dinner.  and while i'm sure the rest of the mamas were ecstatic that the bride was so incredibly thoughtful and considerate to all of the parents who are usually dying for a night out without the kids, i was immediately flooded with waves of anxiety and dread at the thought of leaving holden for the evening.

holden is almost 13 months and we still have never left him with a babysitter, never left him overnight, and never dropped him into the hands of someone he doesn't know. and despite the fact that his first birthday has come and gone, i still don't feel ready.

dustin and i have our date nights, but they begin after i have tucked him into bed safely and soundly, with my mom, who he absolutely adores, watching over him while we are out.  in the off chance that he wakes up, we are comforted in knowing that he won't freak out when he wakes and i'm not there because someone that he knows and loves will be there for him.  my mom also occasionally watches him when i have appointments, like hair and nails, or when i need to run a few errands, but that is the extent to which i have left holden thus far.

i kept thinking that as he got older, i would begin feeling more and more comfortable (as he would be) about leaving him, but i continue to feel the exact same way as i did that momentous day that he entered my life, that i never want to be apart from him.  everything is just more fun when he's around.

does this make me a crazy mama?  it's ok, you can be honest.