blurry photo from a blurry, sleep-deprived mind

as i do every night, i resisted the urge to spend the rest of my evening laying beside him, letting the unusual quiet settle into my bones my thoughts the loudest thing in the room.  a constant whirlwind of activity during the day, there is something beautiful about having my serenely peaceful baby sleep on me (something i miss from the newborn days when he'd sleep on me into the late hours).  these moments, closing my eyes in the hushed silence, our bodies rising and falling in unison, a harmonious synchrony between us, remind me of pregnancy.

but i need to eat, spend time with my husband, and get some things done for myself, so i only allow myself several minutes to relish in these moments before leaving holden for the night (or before we join him in bed).

and yet, i miss him when he's sleeping.  i miss that little tornado of destruction that can somehow manage to pull every single thing within reach onto the floor in a matter of seconds, that stops to give kisses to the ones he loves in between the consistent whacking of a golf ball across the room, that loves to scream ah! at the top of his lungs just to hear his voice echo in large rooms, that shouts baba! to get anyone and everyone's attention if it's not on him, that runs up and down the hallways at full speed with no regard for his own safety, and that fills our house with giggles and laughter.

when holden is asleep, there's a void in the house, an unsettling calmness and silence.

but on saturday night, he woke around 11:30, and we had a surprise meeting at the door of the bedroom, as he intersected my plans for an early night to bed.  i scooped him up and whisked him back into bed, smoothing his hair across his forehead and whispering i love yous into his ear in an effort to lull him back to sleep.  but instead of quickly drifting off per usual, he was restless.  his body flirting with the idea of sleep, but not quite able to surrender.  he was quiet, curling his body into different positions around and on top of me.  his eyes closing for a few minutes, but then he'd start wildly swinging his arms as if in a dance, and his eyes would pop open and he'd grin.

teething?  growth spurt?  a full moon?

after about ten minutes, i realized i wasn't getting anywhere so i brought him out into the living room to surprise daddy.  holden looked around in awe and amazement like he was getting a glimpse into the world of grown-ups after dark.  and i remember that feeling from when i was young, the feeling that you were special enough to be up past your bedtime with your parents during their time, feeling almost as though it were a magical place.

he was wild with excitement and glee, a smile plastered on his face.  he stumbled around the room like a drunken sailor, his eyes slightly puffy after emerging from a deep sleep and his hair astray on top of his head.  we played and laughed into the early hours of the morning (a bit longer than dustin and i would have liked) and we definitely all suffered for it the following day.

although sleep is important for all of us, sometimes life is too fun to miss out on.