i chase tiny feet moving as quickly as they can possibly go across wide open fields of grass, i push one tiny body on the swing until he feels like he is flying, i whiz down the slide with a little boy in my lap, i hide behind walls and pop out unexpectedly to a child that dissolves into fits of giggles.

i putter around the house, attempting to vacuum cheerios and crushed crackers that now seem to be embedded in the sheepskin rug, folding laundry with the hopes that i'll eventually find the time to put it all away, tossing basketballs, baseballs, tennis balls, bouncy balls, golf balls, whiffle balls (oh how this boy loves balls) into the toy bin knowing that they will remain in that spot only until holden awakes and rediscovers them.

i eat dinner at 5 and rarely leave the house after 8 pm in the evening.  i spend my every evenings bathing and reading and rocking.  there are books and toys constantly in my bed and a little boy that somehow manages to take up the majority of a california king mattress.  i often wake up to a small foot in my face, and i rarely sleep past 7:30 in the morning.

this is the life i have dreamed of.

from an outsiders life, it may not look especially exciting.  what do you do all day? my friends without kids probably wonder especially when i don't text them back for days at a time.

but this is it for me.  this is the life i have been waiting all of my life to live.