this weekend, dustin went to san diego for a guys golf weekend (my present for his bday) and i missed him horribly.  each week i look forward to the weekend, sometimes counting down the sleeps we have left until we get to spend together as a family.  although holden and i spent saturday lazing around a pool with a bunch of my friends and spent the entire day on sunday with my mom at a really awesome park in berkeley, there was a sort of emptiness to the weekend, knowing that each special moment that happened i wanted to be sharing with dustin.  waking up this morning to realize that we had another five days before we could spend the day as a family was pretty depressing and regardless of how much fun we all had over the weekend, i think we felt a little cheated out of time.
on sunday, i discovered an amazing park, tilden park, with my mom.  it's located in the berkeley hills and has a steam engine, a merry-go-round, a petting zoo, a few lakes, and a bunch of places to picnic and hike.  holden loves animals.  on a daily basis, we read tons of animal books, make a lot of animal noises, and listen to silly songs about animals, so the animal farm was the perfect place to take him.  he was entranced at the animal farm, mouth gaping in amazement and crying each time i turned him away from one animal to go explore another part of the farm.


live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air. - ralph waldo emerson

having holden has made me think a lot about the type of life that i want for him. i really want him to be able to experience life.  i want him to be able to be a boy, to spend his days outside, to get dirty, to climb trees, be an explorer and an adventurer, to get creative and have the space to do all of this.

sometimes i dream about living on a farm, waking up each dawn to the sun rising in the sky, stepping out into the morning mist as my shoes catch the fresh dew, holden's tiny hand in mine, his feet moving twice as fast just to keep up with my stride, as we meet and feed all of our animals, holden living a slower life, one that's far removed from the hustle and bustle of a busy city...but then i'm not sure i could handle the slower pace of a farm life.

sometimes i dream about moving to another country (australia, new zealand, or denmark are at the top my list) even just if it's just for a year, taking a break from our normal lives and assimilating ourselves into another culture, holden becoming a multicultural, multilingual little boy...but then i realize i love california and i'm not sure i can take holden away from the friends and family that love him here.

sometimes i dream about living in the country, in a town that you could drive through within a total of 2 minutes, a blink of the eye and you will have missed it in a house with a vegetable garden out back and rolling hills of green all around (my grandparents house in pleasant point, new zealand comes to mind), a place where holden can be a real boy, where holden can be wild and free...but then i'm not sure i could live without the convenience of a big city and all of the child classes that holden attends.

sometimes i want to pack up our suitcases, jump on a plane, and just go, becoming modern day explorers, a nomadic family traversing the globe in search of adventure, holden learning more about the world by experiencing it himself...but then i'm not sure if we could leave home for so long.

so what will we choose?


yesterday was dustin's 27th birthday.  he had to work during the day, so we decided to celebrate it at home (part of being new parents i suppose) with a summer (err, spring) dinner bbq.  since we weren't going out, i wanted to do something special at home so i gave myself a smallish budget and set to work on a scotch and chocolate (two of his favorite things) mini dessert table.  i created a 27 out of cardboard boxes that i cut up, taped together, and wrapped in crepe paper.  the left over crepe paper was hung from the ceiling and i used wrapping paper to create the background behind the table.  i bought minis from bevmo and he got to taste four different types of scotch and rank them from most expensive to least expensive.  the table wasn't perfect (the perfectionist in me kind of died over this), but it was something fun for the two of us.